Thursday, July 22, 2010

Losing it...

So, I'm three days into my pursuit for this:
Oh yeah, any excuse to show off that body - even if it's not mine yet. Things are going great and I'm staying right on target. The truth is that I know I can do these sort of things, if I just put my mind to it and convince myself that I have decided that this is something I MUST do. Of course, this goes for everyone, but when you've been seriously OCD challenged like I have, then there's still a little hint of that left that can help you along. I have yet to meet someone who's battled with OCD that have let go of it 100%. You can call it little neuroses or what have you, but if you've ever been through the flicking lights on and off, or checking if a door is locked 8 times, then you know what's triggering you. Well, maybe not what exactly the trigger is (other than stress in some form probably), but you understand the mecanics of it.

ANYWAY, for me, I'm over my OCD, but have a few things that I hang on to - nothing people will notice, but more a matter of little things that people would call quirks, habbits, supperstition or what have you. These few things are what keeps it all balanced for me, and so I'm trying to now make it work for me by telling myself that I MUST eat healthy and work out. No, not to brainwash myself (well, maybe just a little bit) and I'm not on my way to an eating dissorder, but just to change my entire mindset.

I'm very aware of all the dangers when losing weight, and I've had my time with bulimia - to keep the weight I lost in a healthy weight off, and not to lose weight (not that it makes anything better) - and I'm not going back to any of my old unhealthy habbits. This is all about being healthy, and the truth is: When I was fighting with both OCD and bulimia in my teens, I realized that it was a lot of fear and stress, which in many ways was directly related to dealing with being gay (I know of MANY gay people who went through this same thing, which is a bit scary).

I've never had a problem with being gay, but I had a problem with the way I felt gay people were treated and perceived, which made me fight more for my place in the world - somehow my reasoning became that if I did everything right and was a "good girl" AND a "gay girl" then people would have to accept that being gay can be a good thing - I'm certainly VERY pleased with it.

Well, that was a right ramble there... but my point - and I do have one - is just to convey that I am right on track and even had a little meltdown yesterday - which is a good thing, because I do need to deal with the underlying issues of why I keep the extra 10-15 pounds on. I just had a good little cry, Wifey gave me space and knew when to reach out and then I got right back up. Okay, so having my period, which I admit makes my hormones run wild (Wifey would probably have a much more extreme way of explaining it), doesn't make this any better, so when I felt like I was losing control, I just had my little meltdown... And this time chocolate wasn't an option. ;o)

Keep on keepin' on,
- GayGirl

P.S. I'm not REALLY a control freak... I just don't like it when others take control - except when I do like it. I'm such a bottom sometimes, but that's another story all together. ;o)

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